MY iNK

2012-01-25T01:07:00.002+08:00

It's sorta surreal that this is the 4th night in the new place. The entire weekend and the holidays were devoted to unpacking and settling in. Harrowing moments include the hunt for the missing modem - I found it in some odd luggage thing. It's been pretty all right so far. I am definitely digging having my own room again after a long while. And it's cool that the cousin is letting me decorate it how I want. While putting my stuff away, I realise I didn't have as much as I thought I did. Odd. Oh, I have to remember to look out for the poster dude in school. I am still trying out new running routes. Today's was ok, probably have to tweak it a little. I think Woodlands is a lot bigger than Yishun and I am going around in circles trying to achieve the same distance. Hoping to do the Yishun Ave 1 to Chong Pang and onward to Sembawang route soon - all the slopes might return some semblance of the ones in Marsiling. But it's cool so far. Other than the fact that Arsenal didn't manage avenge the travesty last year. I swear, we have the worse luck and the opposing keepers become ninjas all of a sudden. The score can't get me down again after the magnificent meal of aloo paronthay and dhehi (yoghurt) I just had. Simple, homemade Punjabi food. So good after all the takeouts we've been eating.

I think I need to get serious and start on the piles of reading I have to do. Woe is me.

2012-01-19T00:49:00.001+08:00

So we're bound to linger on
We drink the fatal drop
Then love until we bleed
Then fall apart in parts

2012-01-18T19:46:00.002+08:00

And I call you baby, I will and I do
Persuade you in though I know that we're through
I let you think that I'm yours when I'm not
Keep you here though I'm ready to drop the last line here

Breaking it up before it's on
Breaking it up, it's already gone
Breaking it up, I didn't mean to fraud
Breaking it up

2012-01-14T22:49:00.004+08:00

I am so distracted all the time. It's not the usual trivial things that plague me when it comes to sitting down and studying. I can be with anyone and my mind is faraway on something else. And these last couple of days, it's been getting worse. I am thinking about it so much. It's usually the worst when I am travelling, and it's probably because of the sheer number of people that I see. People watching on a whole another level. I am so distracted that I cannot see the people in front of me. I feel blinded or that I am semi-conscious in my own reality. It's more than just hiding. Things become clearer sometimes when I say it aloud to someone. Like how I realised I was so distracted when I was talking to Siva. I don't know how I could have missed it before. This was not supposed to be the way I was going to spend my very last semester. I remember how when I started school again, I wanted some sort of bliss/break from the feelings I couldn't stop and I wanted to ride off, away from it all, with a stranger. No talking involved, just getting as far away as possible. I'd be standing somewhere, and he'd know I was there waiting for him. My breath stops as I think about it, the want is that great.

If only these desires were actually possible/plausible.

(Two train stops or a 15 minute bus/car ride away was enough to create my own little bubble. And that bubble is going to burst. I cannot find anything positive about that place and I am trying to. Because there is honestly nothing wrong with it except for me.)

2012-01-13T13:03:00.002+08:00

Some of the coolest kids on Tumblr.

2012-01-11T10:56:00.003+08:00

Something I'll never miss about school: Standing for an hour to print chapters of readings. Because there was some dude who was loudly proclaiming how he'd been there for such a long time and swearing and stuff. Please, calmjoorfacedown ah. There wasn't any need for you to show off how long you'd been there, we get it. The Personalities of NUS, you'd meet the worse ones in the bad situations.

BTW! I was so happy about the Arsenal win and Thierry Henry, LEGEND, scoring the winner, I wore my Arsenal jersey for the first time ever, and to school as you can see from the picture. (For some reason, I feel like I didn't thank you enough or showed how happy I was with it. If you are reading this, though I doubt it, I loved it the moment you gave it to me.)

It's all a numbers game of probability. The reason we've never bumped into each other is because we go to the common places infrequently. But that's going to change now. I dread it because I pretty much know how I'll react.

Like we were never friends, let alone the other stuff. That's how you made it to seem. What choice do I have but to do it worse?

2012-01-04T12:48:00.003+08:00

Even the cool girls go slumming sometimes. It is rare to meet new people with whom you connect so amazingly well. And I had that experience recently. It was honestly therapeutic, so much so that we hung out even more than we intended. Remarkable. I am looking at the mess in my room, and I just want to slit my wrists. Unfinished business of packing. Plus, I took a look at the module I was forced to bid on (FUCK YOU, CORS), and I was so completely right about it. Another thing that makes me want to cause grievous bodily harm to myself. By the way, the Cumberbatch crush is back on after watching the latest Sherlock episode. And it is because of the series that I am not keen on watching the latest Sherlock Holmes movie instalment. Grey's Anatomy starts this week as well. And I have been waiting months to see Teddy's reaction to the news. I am hoping for Grey's this season to be tearjerkers all the way with some epic finale that compared to the shooter in the hospital. Things I need. Messed up first world issues.

Ignoring you.

2012-01-01T23:12:00.000+08:00

Everything seems to be marked by arbitrary numbers. Like how the span of a life is marked by the rotations of the Earth around an imaginary axis and revolutions around the Sun. So, today's the start of the new year. (Resolution: Being late will no longer be my woe.) Sometimes, I wonder if I unconsciously mimic others because of the people watching I do. It's a fascination. Staring out of windows till my feet hurt, looking at the players in their act. I did quite a bit of that yesterday, not through windows though. The fireworks were amazing. I felt so small and a little overwhelmed each time the infinite-ness of the sky dawn upon me. There was also a sense of discomfort each time something I didn't want to happen, happened. It's difficult to broach the issue and I end up in these situations. It's mostly my fault because I should have put a stop to it when it became clear to me. Curiosity got the better of me. I cannot get it out of my head and none of it is anything you'd want me to remember. It was the tiny things that I noticed that gave it away and in the game of comparison, you lost. I can't help it, even though I know it's unfair. Maybe I am doomed to be haunted. The haircut was so that I'd be able to hide for a while. It didn't work. I am running out of ideas. I like taking 167 from town. Another chance would be nice, but it was never going to come to anything. I can't help but feel like I cheated.

I am bad news.

2011-12-28T02:33:00.003+08:00

I am not very khush in my dil.

Feels like forever since I have sat down and wrote about what's happening in my life. So I am not confused anymore about the thing I was confused about before. And I am afraid to break the news. I feel so guilty and really apprehensive about how things might change. It will change, there's no denying it. By the way, hallelujah for the cessation of this infernal non-stop raining. Such a damper on my mood/plans. 2012 is looming, but honestly, does it make a difference if it's another year? Same things always happen, much does NOT change. So, new year...pfft. There are only a couple of things on my mind right now: Remembering to bid for my modules, running harder and faster everyday, drumming up the mojo to get past my disinclination to pack and that's about it.

I think I've found another Susan Elizabeth Phillips for my book soul: Sarah Addison Allen. I love that she writes exactly what I am yearning for; to be happy and at peace with what I do and myself as a person.

2011-12-13T02:21:00.003+08:00

The fact that I am still listening to Florence + The Machine is a testament to how awesome the songs are. And Vivek's right; they are not songs for boys, or rather, it might be difficult for them to relate. It is true and I can't imagine a guy appreciating her lyrics. Too much of girl-issues in the songs. We're well into the last school break of my life, officially. Sounds all dramatic and shit, because it really isn't. The packing is starting slowly but it won't be long before everything's in a box. We're officially leaving in mid-January and I am gonna take an uber long walk the day before and say a proper goodbye to the best place I've lived. I know it's not like I can't/won't come back, but it won't be the same, not living here. Anyways, back to my boy-issues. I still can't figure anything out. I feel one way when I get up and by the time I go to bed, I am off on another tangent. And tomorrow, I think I am going to go off on my own and wander around town for a bit. I need perspective.

2011-11-27T19:57:00.003+08:00

Seriously good album this one is.

So I was talking to Amarit today and I realise that what I told her was right: I like defining things, events, people etc in my life. I hate confusion or whatever you call that thing when the ideas/feelings are all jumbled up. Maybe I like the certainty that comes when you know what it is exactly. There are just some things that you need to be very certain about, especially when we juggle so many social relationships. And I am someone who compulsively needs to put things in neat little categories and boxes, so that I know where I stand within that context amongst other things.

So yeah. That. And I think am terrible about names, being a fan-atic or just remembering stuff in general. I almost never bother to find out more about the groups I like, that includes band members. I frequently forget the names of bands I listen to. I can never remember song titles, this is where Amazon.com comes in handy. It's like I'll say that I have listen to a particular group before but I can't tell you what song because I won't remember it and then I feel like a fraud even though I did have a listen to their song! I don't know why I feel this need to justify this but it's happened so many times with me and I think skepticism about my fanaticism might be growing.

(I am not over-thinking any thing here.)

2011-11-21T22:07:00.002+08:00

Been accused of overthinking...pfft, whatever. Not really feeling my usual December happiness (I blame the move). Never fail to wonder why my brain switches on the minute I leave the exam classroom/hall/LT. Hooray for coffee. Boo to crappy lecturers who don't tell you anything about their exam. Personal grooming: a nonexistent concept for university students during exams. Friends, family members and personal cheer squad should be banned when an individual is standing in line to top-up EZ-Link card - plus they need to have an express line. Eternal love for speed racer bus driver uncles. Rain in Singapore: The Great Ruiner of Everything. We need better food at home! Sleep: 24 hours is not enough. Need to stop popping my zits - so not attractive.

So exciting, isn't it?

2011-11-18T23:50:00.001+08:00

Secret Ambitions:
(In decreasing order of unlikelihood, so I guess that means 'never ever will happen' to 'remote chance of happening')

1. The Doctor's Companion. (I swear, sometimes, the cars on the road make sounds like the TARDIS. And each time, I get disappointed when I peep out of my window. Woe, I tell you.)

2. Rock groupie. Number #1 motto: Never be like Yoko Ono

3. (Insert low-paying, menial job title) to Arsene Wenger/ Arsenal FC. Don't think dirty, I am just feeling particularly full of Gooner-spirit this season.

4. Female Asian version of Charlie Trotter. I won't do tv though.

5. Travel show host. New Asha Gill.

6. Photojournalist.

7. Interior designer. I like houses, very passionate about having one. Lots of ideas for decorating.

8. Strawberry farmer in New Zealand.

9. Army Dog Handler.

Don't mock. Don't question them. They are what they are.

2011-11-12T14:23:00.004+08:00

You want a revelation,
You want to get it right
But, it's a conversation,
I just can't have tonight
You want a revelation, some kind of resolution
You want a revelation

So, Grey's Anatomy killed off Henry and I am bawling my eyes out because I loved him and Teddy and their relationship. And they (the Grey's Anatomy people) go one step further by making us wait till NEXT freaking YEAR for the next episode. Not happy at all. Why? Seriously, why?

By the way, the lyrics above are from Ceremonials, which has been playing on repeat. I sorta took a break from the 90s grunge/rock/alternative exploration. I just can't stop listening to it! It's just fitting for the weather, for the mood, for how school is a nightmare...basically everything. So, I told Disha about what has happened and I am kinda glad I did because I needed to talk to someone else about it. That's that. Post exam plans are in full swing. Just have to get past them first, obviously. Oh, I am on a Doctor Who bender right now. David Tennant is brilliant. Something about that face is just so attractive.

Ok, I have to get back to the take home exam now.

2011-11-09T11:49:00.003+08:00

I am so very, very, very confused right now. Is it because it's conveniently happening to me and I am letting it happen? Or do I really want/need this right now? It's been moving kinda fast and I've gone along with it. I spent a good while in bed trying to separate things out in my head but it's not working. I am happy. But is it the right decision? It all happened in a matter of days, and I am feeling some sort of cognitive dissonance. Blah bleurh bleurgh. Watch me unravel this and go crazy.

2011-11-07T19:32:00.005+08:00

I wonder if it wouldn't be a mistake at all. Because this influx of current knowledge and prior suggestions has made me rethink every thing. Maybe the reason why I wouldn't have considered it before was because I was caught up in someone else and the past. (It's mind-boggling to realise how much another person can mess your life up, some times.) After last night, I am confused somewhat but there's a definite feeling of excitement about the possibilities. My perception has changed and after some info-gathering, it feels like there are still parts of you that I don't know about. And if things run their course, this would be some thing entirely different for me. Maybe it'll be more conventional, but more importantly, I don't think the same doubts or questions would arise. You'd be new. I think I really do want it to happen. I kinda need the memory-replacement thing. One hand, I want things to move along and on the other, I know I should be more cautious and not rush in if I am not ready. Am I ready, or am I not? It's gotta do with the whole rebound crap thingy. That's something else I need to figure out as well. So much confusion. But definitely, interesting times are ahead.

2011-11-03T23:07:00.005+08:00

This is the cutest kid to ever grace my Tumblr. Legit enough to make me want to start having babies too....or maybe not. But it's a close fight. SO DARN CUTE.

Anyways, today was a pretty fun day out with the guys - Wei'An and Vivek. Lots of goofing about and talking crap. We went to HMV first because yours truly wanted to get Florence + The Machine's latest album and Nirvana's Nevermind. And it was interesting walking around, looking at the CDs and pointing out which ones the others should check out. Plus, Vivek had to get his sister a birthday gift and I convinced him to get her the Harry Potter 2012 calender because, let's face it, Potterheads will never sniff at any HP merchandise. And he called me up to tell me that it was a success with the gift. See? My hypotheses do get proven.

The people at HMV kinda disappointed me at first when they said that the album hadn't arrived yet even though today was the day. But they redeemed themselves when I decided to ask again while paying for Nevermind. And voila, the man runs out from behind the counter to the shelves, returns with the CD and with a flourish, presents it to me. That was my cue to jump up and down, literally. I have no self-control sometimes, and I felt that I needed to explain my exuberance by telling him that I have no life, to which the cashier, an old-ish rocker uncle with such a glorious mane of hair, told me, "You like Florence + The Machine, there's no way you can not have a life". Almost made another BFF right there.

After that, it was on to Starbucks, where I generously split one of my vouchers with the guys and we got the Christmas coffee specials. And we had another lucky break when the guys' receipt was redeemable for another coffee (after a lengthy survey), so we managed to try all 3 of the specials, though by consensus, mine was the nicest (Toffee Nut). We spent the rest of the time, watching epic videos on Youtube and laughing like maniacs. The reason why I had such a good time throughout the whole thing was the fact that I wasn't distracted by anything or there weren't any intrusive thoughts at all. It makes me feel like I have taken a step towards leaving all the mess that's in my head. I feels good right now and even though next week is murder week, I can deal with it.

Benedict Cumberbatch, still a sexy name.

2011-11-01T23:00:00.004+08:00

You know how it is when all you want to do is talk about some thing, the same thing that has been festering in your mind for a long time, but no one wants to indulge you because they've heard you speak about it enough times that it's gotten difficult for them to rally their motivation to comfort you? Well, this is post has nothing to do with that. I just wanted to see if you've ever been in either of those positions before - the ranter or the comforter.

I know something. And this something that I know makes me question my motives. I don't know how much of it has been tarred by it. Because there's an imperceptible change about us. There's an awareness that makes me read into things much more than I normally would have. And there's a tiny, tiny part of me that is pleased about it and wants to see where it can lead. But that same part is in agreement with the majority about how much of a colossal mistake it probably is. And I know that I am only considering reciprocating because of the knowledge that I have now. I would not have thought about it all, had the circumstances been different and it has always been that way before. But it is not now. I am tempted enough to perhaps goad things further along. I am beyond caring. I just want to let loose and have some fun.

2011-10-31T22:58:00.010+08:00

Perfect song for a rainy day

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

Guess whose project presentation won the most innovative award for evolutionary psych? Oh yeah, with a certificate and chocolates and photo-taking and all. Pretty decent end to the module I must say. Not at all like the usual ones where it feels like an abrupt halt that you didn't see coming. The weather is absolutely miserable for doing anything and venturing outside is like taking a second shower. But it was perfect for my big cup of coffee and the final episode of Sherlock. Still gaga over the man. So utterly sublime on digital celluloid.

I am so bored with my current wardrobe and I have been trawling around on ebay quite a bit the last couple of days. More importantly, I ended up getting a couple of things. Now I just need a reason to take them out on a spin. I am actually not looking forward to the end of the year. Too goddamn fast. Too fast. Things are gonna look a whole lot different when I am on the other side of the year. There are always good and bad parts to everything and nothing is truly that bad. But, ohman, I need to my brain to catch up in maturity soon. I honestly do. Tell me I am not the only adult who feels a bit like a fraud? Going around calling myself an adult when I don't even feel like one? That title is reserved for my parents' generation.

Plus, I don't get why the UN sees the need to celebrate the 7 billionth person born in the world. Somehow the human race has managed to procreate to the extent that within 12 years we've just crossed the next billionth threshold. Hello? Scarce resources, pollution, environmental degradation? And reading about the techniques used by a few countries in the past to control population growth was sorta disturbing. It's like I don't even have to read a dystopian novel to get a sense of what happens when society breaks down - I just have to open a history book. Scary shit, right there. And the civility that we think makes us humans is just a thin veneer, so vulnerable to attack.

Can you imagine how easily things can disintegrate?

2011-10-30T20:20:00.005+08:00

The weekend has been pretty nondescript - giving tuition, family BBQ, just chilling at home. Just the way I like it for now. The rest of the week has been crazy starting with the evolutionary psychology presentation on Monday, then Diwali and another presentation for neuropsych. I'm glad for the break. But then the mad rush is gonna start again. And I can foresee my doom all through November with the papers to write, a take-home exam to complete and ending off with the exams proper. Hectic hectic hectic. So this is probably the last bit of breather I can squeeze in and probably the only opportunity I have got to start watching Sherlock, which I have been meaning to get started on for ages. And Benedict Cumberbatch (even the name sounds sexy) has just got me on my first celebrity crush in a really, really, really long while. He's so brilliant in the show. It's inevitable that I'd be hooked. But that aside, the show's seriously decent. I am miffed that the first season's only got 3 episodes. There's some consolation that each episode's 90 minutes long. Writing about it makes me feel like gushing. So immature, Sharan. It's adding to the feeling I have about how the grass seems so much greener on the other side. I need to make a shift.

More about my 90s musical journey: Nevermind is a damn good album. I should have seriously gotten the deluxe version I saw in HMV on Friday. And when Florence + The Machine's album comes out in the next few days, I am definitely returning to get both. It's so sad that all the CD shops are closing. The one in Woodlands looks like it's on the verge of doing so as well. The last time I was there, the CDs had so much dust on them that it was obvious I was the first person to go through them in a long while. Talking about HMV, whenever I go there, I somehow manage to talk myself out of buying anything because there are just too many things I'd like to get. That's how I came home empty-handed. But I just got paid, so 2 new CDs for my collection. Ooh yeah.

Happy dealing with the MUNEDay blues tomorrow.

2011-10-28T10:27:00.002+08:00

I have decided it's time to enter a new phase in my musical journey. Normally I jump all over the place in terms of what I like for the moment. But I have decided to explore grunge/rock/alternative bands of the 90s properly. And I am going to start with Nirvana and Foo Fighters (naturally). If anyone's got a suggestion as to what 90s bands they think I should check out, please leave a message on my message board on the right. It'll be helpful to post a particular song that will capture my attention.

That being said, Dave Grohl PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come to Singapore.

2011-10-26T23:42:00.005+08:00

I was a heavy heart to carry

listening to the messed up songs from before. wishing I could walk and walk and walk to think after listening to my mom's life stories. thinking about messed up stuff like before. you broke me, again. aching with heartbreak for my mom. thought about giving in to what could be a monumental mistake, at that bus stop. same place, different boy, tired of you and what you do to me, wanting to fill in the gaping hole. it would have happened. maybe I need to create the same memories with someone different. will you care? I want you to and there is nothing malicious about it. where do I stand? feels like a fucking cycle repeating itself again. and it is getting more destructive. half-hearted crap. I want to. I shouldn't. face up to it. can you be that person for me? what is it going to take? say it like a mantra. meet the other part of me.

2011-10-25T00:44:00.003+08:00

Ok, the move is becoming more official. And I am becoming nostalgic about it. I will miss Causeway Point, the library(!), my secret hang out at the hill, the hustle and bustle of Woodlands after 12 midnight, my awesome running routes with the slopes. How I will not see the cute guy I saw running today ever again. Or how my room overlooks the small part of the busy road and the MRT track and the speed racers that go by. Even though I am going back to Yishun, it's not a part of the place that I am familiar with and that is probably one of the reasons I feel bleurgh about leaving. It's not just about the resignation you feel when you have to start from scratch again or being resistant to change....it's more of having to leave something so good behind. I probably sound ridiculous, going on about it but I can't help it!

The new place is pretty nice, but it's just not this one.

2011-10-23T22:16:00.003+08:00

Keeping calm and lovin' Arsenal. A couple of minutes more and it's an official win (although BBC has already moved them up on the table).

Presentation tomorrow morning. Disha's party on Tuesday. Diwali on Wednesday. Exciting week ahead, ~~not~~. Chug, chug, chugging along. So, it looks like we'll be shifting by December. There is some dispute going on already (it's a not-so official one) about the house-warming prayers and it looks like we're sorta equally divided over the 1-day or 3-day issue. (AND IT'S NOW OFFICIAL! We're number 7! And it's a bonus that Man U had an epic loss too.) Anyways, back to the whole moving thing, I hate moving.

And I am off to take a shower now. Have a nice week ahead folks.

2011-10-22T20:48:00.003+08:00

Maybe I was half in. And when you tried to be, I called you out on it. Sometimes I feel karma's handing back to me how I treat other people. But I wish you'd just talk to me. Tell me what happened. If you had given me any clue before, I would have been all in. Because that's how you are supposed to do it. That's how I imagined it would happen for me. I want to believe that it is possible for me but every time I go through this with you, the part of me that feels this way, dies a little. It's a natural consequence. I wonder if you are taking as long as I am to get over this. Or are you relieved? All these questions I have are burning a hole in my head.

How could feeling like this would have ever been helpful in our evolutionary past? Stupid genetic crap.

2011-10-22T03:09:00.005+08:00

Jim Caviezel on TV - I like.
Playing The XX in the show - I love.

And I have been playing The XX on repeat the last couple of days.  It's my cold/sombre weather music. It's the album I put on repeat when I am heading to school to sit for exams, always.  Anyways, I kinda love/hate the rain and the accompanying cold.  I like that it fits the mood  but I hate travelling in it or not being able to run.  Today was kinda like that. It was nice when I was sitting in 96 and watching the rain comfortably dry (because some nice person hurried up to me and shared her umbrella when I was crossing over to the bus interchange).  But when it reached school, I had to get off and take a ultra long route to get to class.  And NUS is like YJ where a person can get drenched while walking the hallways. So I got a little late and wet by the time I got to AS4.  Plus I got new shoes.  And Grey's Anatomy today was a little bland, but I am not really complaining.  I feel like starting on Everwood or Gilmore Girls again, especially Everwood.  Such memories there.  I need a long bus ride. 

I love how my hair looks right now. And on an entirely different note, I DO NOT want to attend graduation.

2011-10-20T23:01:00.002+08:00

It's because of songs like this I got my guitar and the poor thing has been neglected in a corner of the better part of the year already. I need to take lessons!

2011-10-19T23:33:00.001+08:00

I thought about it and I brought it out
I'm motivated by the lack of doubt
I'm consecrated but I'm not devout
The mother, the father, the daughter, yeah

Right on the verge, just one more dose
I'm traveling from coast to coast
My theory isn't perfect, but it's close

I'm almost there, why should I care
My heart is hurting when I share
Someone open up and let it show

2011-10-15T22:50:00.001+08:00

Well, I crippled your heart a hundred times
And still can't work out why
You see, I've got this disease I can't shake
And I'm just rattling through life
Well, this is how we do things now
Yeah, this is how the modern stay scared
So I cut out all the good stuff
Yeah, I cut off my foot to spite my leg
Well, is that you in front of me?
Coming back for even more of exactly the same
You must be a masochist to love a modern leper 

2011-10-15T18:54:00.004+08:00

Last night, I went to bed early because I was so tired. But when I was in bed, I just couldn't fall asleep at all. My mind kept circling around the same thoughts. There has just been no closure at all. Insatiably curious and yet, I don't want to know. I know what I should feel and I don't because it's not so clear. How is it possible to have been that close and in the merest of time, know nothing? The line that separates what I know and what I don't know is slowly disappearing and I am questioning everything. I am doubting every motive and feeling. Mine and yours. To think, I once believed that I was done looking. ~~singleforlife.~~ Nothing is the same and yet, there isn't anything that is different. Same people, same story, day in, day out.

Why couldn't you have just said something?
Would it have killed you?

2011-10-14T00:21:00.002+08:00

I am sporting a new 'do: Imagine a slightly more androgynous version of Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry. Each time I walk pass the mirror in the hall, I have to rein in the surprise, because I keep forgetting. For the next couple of months, I am gonna channel Agyness Deyn and work it. I am actually kinda excited about it actually. Because this time, it wasn't the bleurghness that prompted this- I was bored. Anyways, I have finally managed to get my hands on The Wild Rose (through means I will not discuss here). Not looking forward to the weekend because of the epic paper I need to write. Plus there's an open house thingy going on here on Saturday and no one's gonna let me have a bit of a lie-in. I don't know how I feel about the possible move. And it's happening so bloody fast. I love this house. I love living in Woodlands. I am honestly going to miss this place. What a damper.

Something I have observed from the group: Boys are mean to girls when other guys are around.

2011-10-13T02:45:00.001+08:00

<br>

I feel you beating in my chest
I feel you screaming in my lungs
You are heavy but
Your beat's in time
I feel the crimson on my lips
Now my stomach's lined with gold
I'm broken-hearted but my beat's in time

2011-10-10T16:21:00.001+08:00

My heart
Your skin
This love
I'm in
We don't arrive, without a suprise
You're right
I'm wrong
Be free
Belong
Intimate sight, has come into light

2011-10-09T23:52:00.005+08:00

Hallelujah. You still didn't answer. Pretty much expected though I'd like a chance to punch you in the face. Life's going as well as can be expected, I guess. It's all zoom, zoom, zoom but then again, it is how it always is. :) will be pleased to know that 'Moves Like Jagger' is stuck in my head. It's actually kinda odd that I haven't got the latest Maroon 5 album yet, considering how much I liked their previous albums. Especially Songs About Jane. You know, I have always wondered about the girl for whom the song is written for/about/named after. Like Dani, the girl who has been mentioned several times by RHCP. Like who is she? Is she a culmination of all the girls Anthony Kiedis has ever dated? Just when I think that boys are emotionally stunted, someone like Dave Grohl or Anthony Kiedis or Adam Levine (just to name a few) write/sing songs about girls in a way that touches me on some level. Maybe there's hope for me. A rock/guitar God dude. Somehow it works out in my fantasy. Who knows, maybe it'll work out in reality too. Ah, be they delusions or dreaming big. My secret ambition is to be a rock groupie. Just got to get me to the right place for that to happen....

2011-10-08T17:23:00.004+08:00

I love listening to this song while I run. Absolutely perfect rhythm.

Gone are all the days of begging
The days of theft
No more gasping for a breath
The air has filled me head to toe
And I can see the ground far below
I have this breath and I hold it tight
And I keep it in my chest with all my might
I pray to God this breath will last
As it pushes past my lips as I... 

... LOVE YOU

2011-10-06T19:31:00.003+08:00

Best Rock Tribute
(And a kick-ass song to go with it)

Down in the badlands she was savin' the best for last
It only hurts when I laugh
Gone too fast...

2011-10-05T22:13:00.002+08:00

I gotta lot of lovin'
I gotta lot lovin'
I gotta lot of love in my heart.

I'm gonna get to heaven
I'm gonna count seven
I'm gonna get to heaven alright.

Why you runnin'
Why you runnin'
Why you runnin' my life?

2011-10-02T18:25:00.002+08:00

The pressure is pressing you down
That raging monster pullin' you around
It wants to rip our skins apart
Tear out the strings connected to our hearts

Our hearts, our hearts

2011-10-01T22:04:00.003+08:00

I'm here from now on
But once I'm gone
I'm gone

I think I am becoming an increasingly crappy friend. But it's something I can't help at the moment. I am just afraid that I'll affect my friends with my darkness. Or that I'll walk away halfway through. It's honestly better that I am staying away. I am just not feeling it right now. Not in the zone of normalcy. Slipping in and out of reveries when I am with people.

Losing the capacity to feel guilt. Is this what growing older begets?

2011-09-29T19:55:00.007+08:00

Ok, I am ready to admit it. Just ask me. I foresee a reckoning......sometime in the vague future. The future seems so near because time flies so fast. But how long would I have to wait? I still stand by what I feel and whatever I've said. Ask me and I'll tell you everything I wanted you to know but didn't tell you. You know I will, if you ask. You may not do it tonight, tomorrow, next week, the month after or the following year, but you will eventually. (Maybe I am starting to hope.) Hold out as long as you need to. Purge yourself of the guilt. This isn't over. Because I am so angry, so mad at you that the universe has to pay heed and do something about it. Something has to happen.

This anger is barely being contained in my skin.

Till we meet again. (And it won't be like the last time.)

Despite everything, I know there was chemistry.
The kind that doesn't come by often.

2011-09-27T15:49:00.002+08:00

Oh let me put you in your place
I love it when you say
Giving everything away

Tell me what's in it for me
Tell me now what's in it for me
No one's getting this for free
So, tell me now what's in it for me

2011-09-25T23:16:00.004+08:00

She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend

We're here and now, but will we ever be again 
'Cause I have found
All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Away again

2011-09-25T02:43:00.004+08:00

Brave in her movements
Scared to dance alone

There's a cave made of sheets
And I, I know we want to be inside
Take off all of your clothes and climb
Into a cave of sheets tonight

Steal away
You and me
To a cave made of sheets

This song reminds me of The Winter Rose and Hero Jarvis and Sebastian St. Cyr. I don't know why. It might do with the fact that I keep re-reading all of H&S's parts in the books or that I've currently started on The Winter Rose (second time this year). The feeling of utter longing and indulging in it - all without saying anything. Because you just know. How you feel and how he feels. Sometimes, I wonder if I am mistaken about things. What happened if nothing actually happened? So I listen to stuff. I read stuff. I do stuff. And I haven't hit that low yet. Each time I think I am about to reach it, doesn't happen. I am just waiting around.

CALL ME TALK TO ME SEND ME A MESSAGE TELL ME WHY STOP ME HATING YOU

I didn't know you
You didn't know me

2011-09-21T20:12:00.002+08:00

NEW KASABIAN SONG I AM OBSESSING OVER: RE-WIRED

Who made you the master?
The Lady caster, I found you looking for a good time
Now this blood and glitter, it tastes so bitter
There’s no retreat for I surrender

Lily has taken to hiding out in my room for some reason. At first, she was hiding from the new terrible duo because they decided that she needed her facial hair re-trimmed, but it's been a couple of weeks now and I am pretty sure that something else is up with that dog.

We're halfway through ~~RECESS~~CRAPWEEK, and I haven't made any headway on the work I have to do. Because the workload is going to explode after this week. Not fun, at all. On another note, I thought about yesterday and I have decided that I am not fit for company at all. It's just gonna be books, cups of coffee, books from the library, shows and yep, nothing else.

THANKYOUVERYMUCH

2011-09-21T00:27:00.004+08:00

Each time I sing the lines to Kasabian's I Hear Voices, Amaritpal Kaur thinks I sound like a psycho child - especially the opening lines, "I hear voices, they tell me to stop...."

Anyways, their newest album is dope. Somehow today didn't turn out the way I thought it would. It just wasn't enjoyable at all. Part of it was no doubt due to the fact that my mind was on other things. It was really difficult to remain throughout the whole thing. I was so ready to blurt out an excuse so that I can bolt. Walk and walk with Florence + The Machine's epic-ly appropriate crescendos overwhelming the other senses. Take a long bus ride home with the album on repeat and then switch to Red Hot Chili Peppers' By The Way (bloody good album). I know I keep saying no, but I just can't seem to find it in me to feel guilty about it. It's just that one thing taking over and nothing else can get in. It's not you, I just can't deal right now. I realise I haven't begun to feel the low yet. It's happening, snowballing into a fucked up mess. It's gonna crash and then this madness will come to an end. I hope.

2011-09-20T02:58:00.005+08:00

I was just reading some of my older entries (I can't believe how much time has passed between then), and I was struck by how much of what I thought would happen actually happened. I wish I could be as certain about things as I did then, because it sort of gave me some hope. Whereas now? It's completely hopeless - I just don't know anything anymore. (You kinda destroyed that.) Hey, it's not like I didn't see it coming. Still amazed at myself. There's one thing I am sure of: You'd never start talking to me again, like you did before. You were really sweet and you restored my faith in you and myself then. Know what, I really miss those months. I think this time, it's really over. It truly feels like it. You'd never tell me if it was otherwise, anyways.

So long.

2011-09-19T19:53:00.001+08:00

My soul you can have it 'cause it don't mean shit
I'd sell it to the devil for another hit
And midnight is coming and I wish that you were here

2011-09-18T20:03:00.003+08:00

I know I'm alone if I'm with or without you
But just bein' around you offers me another form of relief
When the loneliness leads to bad dreams
And the bad dreams lead me to callin' you
And I call you and say "C'MERE!"
 

2011-09-18T12:04:00.003+08:00

I am glad it's raining. All I want to do is laze around and get re-acquainted with my bed. The Office episodes, books from the library, big cups of coffee, a stack of bread and the teevee.

2011-09-14T23:53:00.002+08:00

I wonder if I played a part in messing it up. If I did, why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you talk to me about it? Or was it one time too many and you didn't want to hold on to this any longer? Will it make any difference if I told you that I am sorry for pushing you too far?

All that comes to mind right now is
the time at the bus stop at Jalan Kayu
and when I blurted out my fear.

2011-09-14T13:22:00.001+08:00

Ain't no love in the heart of the city
Ain't no love in the heart of town
Ain't no love and it sure is a pity
Ain't no love 'cause you ain't around

2011-09-11T23:43:00.002+08:00

So today wasn't as epic as I thought it'd be because I decided hang out at Bloom (name of my house, as christened by the small girl). Alternating between working on the presentation, reading and watching episodes of The Office. The haze and the accompanying acrid smell put a damper on my run. And I was so hyped up about it because of all the anger that is bubbling over when I think about the state of things. Sometimes, I just can't contain it and I feel like it's gonna make my head explode. I am volleying between wanting to see you so that I can tell you how much I don't want to see you and never wanting to see you again. But at the same time, there's a part of me that feels really hurt.

2011-09-09T22:07:00.004+08:00

Tumblr picture I like

I thought I should be hardworking today and decided to read the chapter on jealousy for my evolutionary psychology presentation and how it made me feel like bleurgh after that. Just bleurgh. I walked into class and the first thing I did was show Disha my 'bleurgh' expression and hoped it conveyed how cranky and out-of-sorts I was feeling. I wasn't even as appreciative of the Lange view I had today even though he was right in front of me. That's how much it messed with my day today.

It was just that I couldn't help but compare what I was reading to my oh-so real-life experience. And honestly, I feel a bit torn up. Maybe I am taking this wayyy out of context but you ain't in my head, so buzz off. It made me wonder; how much of who I am and the decisions I made for every which thing was just me or was it influenced by my biology that was shaped by my evolutionary history? No wonder the prof felt that a debrief was in order after the module content was covered. I mean, I know that our biology plays a part, but this subtle and this huge? It's like I am a slave to my baser instincts, if you just strip everything else away. How unnerving.

Anyways, Sunday will be an epic sort of day. School started exactly a month ago, something else ended on that day too, 10th year anniversary of 9/11 and the day I am going to meet up with the Toot.

2011-09-06T14:51:00.004+08:00

Somersault

To September
Hope I last
Till November
Birthday boys
Don't Remember
All around I see reminders of then

I am running out my frustration, are you?

PS @ 2337: Such a deep, keen yearning. Twice it happened on my way back and both times, my reaction was kinda shocking now that I am thinking about it or maybe not. The lack of restrain on my part and wanting to do something reckless has definitely got something to do with it. Id domination now that I've decided to quash the superego. The yearning for the fantasy to come true was so strong, makes me wonder. And I would have dived headlong into it. I would have. Damn you.

2011-09-05T22:37:00.002+08:00

Thought I was over this man because I listened to his albums non-stop for the last couple of weeks. But I guess not.....

2011-09-04T03:44:00.003+08:00

Phases of Me on a Friday

epiclateness.crazyinessoverLange'sblinking.causalutteranceturndisaster.
timeforTGIFpicturesamidstthepanic.lunchatthehotspot.jealousydissection.
epiclateness(again).adventuresofAmarit&Sharan.confidingandpiggingout.
sushiandBen&Jerry's.ilovesorbet.nightlights.
manyattemptsatrecapturingthemagic.
introductiontomymathangoutspot.
ipodtimeonthelasttrainhome.
utterly satisfying day.

2011-09-01T22:51:00.004+08:00

You say that it's not your fault
And swear that I am mistaken
You said it's not what it seems
No remorse for the trust you're breaking
You run but then back you fall
Suffocate from the mess your making
You can't get enough you take and take and take and take
Fuck it, are you listening?

2011-08-31T19:23:00.001+08:00

The rhythm of the conversation
The perfection of her creation
The sex she slipped into my coffee
The way she felt when she first saw me
Hate to love and love to hate her
Like a broken record player
Back and forth and here and gone
And on and on and on and on

- The Sun, Maroon 5

2011-08-29T01:16:00.001+08:00

What an utterly crap ending to an already crappy night. If Hari appears in front of me in any of his Man Utd T-shirts, I will punch him. In the face.

2011-08-28T21:36:00.001+08:00

It seems that I was wrong.
I am broken about it.
Story of my life.

2011-08-28T02:52:00.006+08:00

Sangae 2011

Clockwise

Picture 1: Picture of the seats from the stage.  Same seats I'll be at come next year during graduation.

Picture 2: Trying my hand at a semi-artistic shot of our costumes HQ at UCC.  (You decide how good it is!)  We had the light-bulb mirrors, which should have evoked my sense of 'Whoa, very professional and stage like' but all I could think of was psychotic Natalie Portman smashing Mila Kunis into the same sort of mirrors in Black Swan.  Other than that, I mostly remember how crowded and stifling it got when too many people were in it.  How we used to relish the break we got right before the mayhem started and gossip-gossip about everyone else!  And how that little bit of time was so therapeutic because we touched base with each other, see how everyone was holding up and have a laugh about the crazy things that went down.

Picture 3: What the stage looked like from the loading bay.  The props go through these doors and kept backstage.  If the job of the costumes team is tiring, the props team has it wayyyyy worse, honestly.  To me, the worst bit is when they have to smash all of their hard work the minute the play is over.  Months and months of effort and crap from people and time away from their social lives and family gets dismantled to be discarded once the curtain falls.

Picture 4: A tech run in the process.  During these runs, the sound, lights and smoke machine gets tested.  The effects team has to ensure that the sound is clear, the right amount of lights come on and that the smoke machine doesn't obscure any one on stage.  And the effects are different for each scene.  The actors and dancers have to be there too because they need to adjust to the vastness of the stage, mark their places for the dances and learn to work with the props.  All about the technical aspects.

I honestly loved coming back. It was a much richer experience and just detailing everything above truly gives me a scope of how epic it really was. And there were some serious post-production blues. I used to see them on a daily basis. I stayed nights in school with them. I slept over at Navi's and Darsha/Divya's place several times. For that period of time, we forsook everything else and just concentrated on this. And because of that, we built confidants in each other. I remember coming to school on Monday feeling a little bereft, like there wasn't anything to look forward to. Luckily Darsha called and we had a good time chatting.

But that wasn't all. It seemed that we had to return to the bungalow! From which comes the next collage of pictures....

There was a call out to the props and costumes teams to clean out the last of our stuff and to get rid of whatever we didn't want. When we headed back there, evidence of our presence was still lying around as the pictures show. And the debris made it seem like it wasn't completely over yet, for a moment that is. Because it was all too soon that me and Darsha got done and we took our last walk out of that place.....

FINAL GOODBYE

Presentation partner for Advance Abnormal, DISHA GURNANI

So Sangae's all over. And then it was back to the hum-drum of school. Returning back to just studying isn't as bleurgh as I am making it sound, because the seminar-styled classes are actually more fun. It's more interactive and the subjects are more interesting. But it wasn't so fun when Wolf-Gregor Tobias Lange (honest to blog, that's my prof's actual name) decided to schedule presentations even before August was over. He's a really good lecturer, even though he looks too young and cute to be one. PLUS! He's got the most friendliest face ever, for a German that is. Ok, I am NOT gushing, seriously. Anyways, Disha and I apparently weren't quick enough to sign up because topic no. 1 was the only one not taken - case and point, we signed up one lousy day after the sign-up thingy was open on IVLE.

The both of us were kinda nervous for this presentation because we only had a week to prepare and honestly, one week is crap inadequate. And somehow, I managed to channel Terence and pimp out our slides and the presentation.....drum roll please.....went pretty decent! Plus it was a pleasant surprise to the both of us when our outfits were sort of colour co-ordinated! Total accident. It was such a relief and a load off, knowing that we're one presentation down.

Life's looking up. Most parts of it, anyways.

2011-08-22T00:55:00.001+08:00

Love the ending.  

2011-08-18T00:24:00.003+08:00

Prince George's Park bungalow No. 15
This has been the place where I've spent nights in school to work on the costumes for Sangae. It's held a great sense of camaraderie, considering the amount of work that everyone has put in all for an interest for the production. Despite all the shitty-ness, I feel a sense of accomplishment in this production that I didn't for the previous. Thinking about it in a bigger scope, I like that I've been part of some thing that has had continuity for more than 2 decades and will for many more years. It's like I've put my mark on it, no matter how insignificant it may be.

A picture of the moon and a picture of me & Darsha. No matter how crappy the picture turns out, there's always this urge to capture how the moon looks on a clear night. It's so ethereal and otherworldly. (I have a weird fixation on the moon.)

One of the reasons I wanted to do Sangae again was because of the people I met in the last one. And true enough, this time round was no different.

I feel really mad whenever I think about it.

2011-08-15T22:33:00.003+08:00

Mad crowd at the Central Library bus stop. It didn't help that the rain forced everyone to squeeze into the limited shelter provided by the bus stop. I think I'll miss the sight of this and the epic-ness of the 96 line.

I hated the fact that it was pussy raining all day. I thought I was past getting accidents, but today's was terrible. And it's so annoying that brilliant minds aren't working on teleportation. All I wanted to do was get home as quick as possible and die on my bed. But I am glad I stayed behind to meet up with Wei'an for a bit. It was kinda nice to finally have a private chat with Vivek as well, the ones we have when it's just the 2 of us sharing stuff without the rest of the group present. Not so fun when he spewed water in my direction, that boy did. Evo psych was kinda interesting today. Unfortunately, I just had a look at the stuff for Sports and I want to kill myself. Wayyy more technical than I thought it would be. Let's see how that goes, from freaking 1800 to 2100.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Maps. Good stuff.

2011-08-11T20:37:00.004+08:00

Picture 1 (L to R): Someone passed out on the first day of school.
Picture 2: The view of the setting sun on my way out and Interpol's dark melody to Narc was filled in my head. It was so apt that I was taking the picture to this part of the song:

She found a lonely salve
She keeps on waiting for time out there
Oh love, can you love me babe?
Love, is this loving babe?
Is time turning around?

I stand in awe of the perfect deliverance of the universe

This is the start of the Chronicles of the Last Year. I've decided that I am going to take a picture of every single day that I am in school to mark the last year. Hopefully, NUS will not let me down in terms of the drama that usually happens in school. And more importantly: The Milo van will not elude me! I want a fresh start to school and to my life, and I am going to enjoy the reminder of my time in NUS.

2011-08-09T22:57:00.003+08:00

I'm kinda glad that the production is filling most of my time and thoughts. Because when I get a minute to myself, all that has happened takes over and I get so confused about what I should do. Didn't think it was going to happen this way, because it seemed so inconsequential at that moment. The fact that school is starting on Thursday is, surprisingly, something to look forward to. It's definitely going to be different. My lessons won't be styled the same way and it might take a while to get used to it. I don't know how prepared I am for it, but bring it on. I refuse to dwell on the matter and torture myself. Maybe it was doomed from the start. Because everything I did seems to have lessened the impact: I am not broken about it as I was before.

Though you've said nothing, it already feels like it's over.

2011-07-25T00:24:00.001+08:00

I have changed: I don't need you now the way I did before. And it has transformed us, though I'm not saying that other factors didn't play a part too. I like/hate how we are sometimes. But right now, I am hating it. It feels so utterly transient. Like there's nothing profound about it, the way it should be when we've put a label on it. What's the point of the label then? Should we just get rid of the label and leave all the extraneous emotions out of whatever it is we're in? The desire to pick your brain is so tantalising, just so I'll finally get the answers I want. Fucking unrealistic wants. There's always this idea that I shouldn't get in too deep, but what is a relationship without attachment? Maybe it's because I am so aware of how fast things can go south, that that thought is constantly lurking somewhere in my mind. Do less, think less, care less. Be indifferent and don't believe anything. This cynicism is kinda disappointing. I am no better than before. Nothing amazes me anymore. It's a funk. I wanna walk around invisible. Get rid of everything in the past and go some place else.

2011-07-16T01:39:00.001+08:00

Don't bother messaging/calling/sending messages via FB. I am sorry but I am going incommunicado. I apologise if you've been a victim. It's just that more than before, the urge to leave everything and everyone behind is so strong right now. It probably stems from this burgeoning feeling of wanting to start over. I am conflicted; the desire to lay down my own roots or be rootless so that I can start over any time I'd feel like it. This struggle to identify what would make me happy (being rooted or rootless) is hardly surprising considering the pattern my life has followed thus far. I am not unhappy but neither am I completely satisfied. There's a pervasive thought that some thing's missing. It's all adding up, these feelings. Sometimes, I think I don't genuinely care about people. When the disquiet urge to leave comes around, I don't care about how anyone will react. I don't care if I won't be missed or they'd be worried. I rationalise it away telling myself that "We weren't that close. Why would they care, anyways?"

If I was that indifferent, wouldn't they be as well?

(That being said, I so need to grovel to Neil and beg for forgiveness.) Anyways, I kinda broke out from under my rock the last few days. One: to watch Harry Potter. Two: meet-up with old secondary school friends. During the meet-up, there were long bouts of conversations about everyone's love life. And I don't know why I am still bothered by what I heard. I mean, I expected it. I knew how it was, but seriously? Where is it stemming from? I can only think of unflattering reasons. I honestly shouldn't be this irked by it. SO WHY AM I STILL?

2011-06-10T18:10:00.007+08:00

KiD CuDi - Scott Ramon Seguro Mescudi. My current maudlin interest.

I've actually come here several times and wrote out stuff. I didn't publish them because I wanted to complete them another time. But I eventually didn't, obviously and deleted them off. I do that sometimes because I like rant-typing for a minute and leaving it hanging, so that the next time I log in, I can see, so very clearly what was going through my head then. I hate cliches, but here's one that just came to my mind: change is the only constant. How true.

Last night, or rather this morning, I logged into MSN, after an incredibly long time, and chatted with Wei'an. I seriously miss that boy. I didn't think that I'd find close-ish friends in university, because I already found them in JC, but I did. And because of them, I find that my time in NUS was pretty interesting and enjoyable. I like how in each semester, there's one group of people I see and hang out with more than others. And how that group changed from semester to semester. New things, new people, new thoughts, new experiences, new interests.

I think my 3rd year syndrome has passed and I am sorta looking forward to next semester. And since I have the new iTouch with a camera, I should chronicle the final year with a picture of everyday I'm in school. Corny, yeah it kinda sounds like it. But who knows? I'll probably look back on it and was glad that I did.

Also, I am seriously looking forward for Sangae. All the drama that it promises. All so (amusingly) riveting.

2011-06-09T03:38:00.003+08:00

'You deserve an award for the role that you played.....'

SO, I am staying another year. Participating in Sangae again. 16 & Pregnant mania - don't you judge me. Arguing with the Grandmother. Don't bloody care that she keeps saying the same things over and over again. Uploading my old LP and Evanescence albums into the iTouch was overwhelmingly nostalgic. I feel that I am keeping more and more to myself. I don't think it is necessarily bad. But rumination can lead to more rumination and onto darker, more pessimistic thoughts. There's also a fair bit of anger and frustration building up. In the scenarios I create in my head, I am screaming, in a voice I don't recognise, at people to GTFO or STFU or some variation of those. I spew all that's churning out onto them. The consequences are all so easily dealt with when it's up there. If only. But it's not.

Afraid to return because I always feel so fucking left out. Because I don't want to acknowledge how much I am not wanted.

And a new song I've discovered......

2011-04-20T16:34:00.000+08:00

How epic is this?

2011-04-19T18:57:00.003+08:00

I don't feel so good right now. It's not even the exams that's the cause of it. From one message, I extrapolated how things actually stand and I end up feeling like this. Like I can't breathe and my brain is just frozen with this whole mess. I just want my life back without you in it, please. Because everything feels like it's got your influence on it. And I hate that. I honestly don't care anymore. Evey time I think about it, my conviction gets a whole lot stronger and I get the guts to end it. Things are always the best at the start, then somewhere along the way, people begin to care less and less. I seriously wish I hadn't read so many books sometimes, because they've obviously screwed with my expectations and my insight into the male mind. Because it never happens in real life does it? My expectations, despite everything, are so low that sometimes I wonder if this is actually something real.

How much do you truly care? Show me, just once. So I'd be convinced.

2011-04-10T16:11:00.002+08:00

My heart is under arrest again
But I'll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear I'll never give in
I refuse

Has someone taken your faith?
It's real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You'd die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must confess

2011-03-31T11:00:00.003+08:00

For some reason, I just really like this picture I found on tumblr. It brings to mind of a time long ago, when I felt that I was young enough that whatever I did was inconsequential. And the things that I did were, in most part, inconsequential. In the bigger picture, things worked out. It also brings to mind how life was so utterly uncomplicated.

In 2 weeks, my education might come to a sudden, hasty halt. I am still on the fence. Because right now, I should be working away feverishly at a lab report. But the stats of our results escapes my mind at this moment. How do I gauge my decision then? My stomach feels so clenched up. So bloody nervous. Also, in less than 2 weeks, another year of life starts for me. How unprepared I feel to face up to the years that come flashing by. I find it difficult to accept these changes because I don't feel ready to yet.

And since I am ranting, I hate, hate, hate how I always come out as the bad guy when I try to tell you how I feel about certain things. How it sounds irrational when I put my fucked up feelings into words because you can somehow explain them away so coolly. Like it is so simple. Why do you not get as affected as I do about things? Seriously, it's not going to work out. I shouldn't sweat about it any longer.

Nice life to you.

2011-03-21T01:51:00.003+08:00

I have lots of books. I go to the public library regularly. (It's the only public institution that I truly love and have no complains about.) I read everyday. When my interest in books wanes, it means some thing's not going right. When my interest in reading becomes some thing akin to a lifeline, things aren't peachy as well. Especially when I start reading my whole Susan Elizabeth Phillips collection. I swear, if this lady does not/ cannot write any longer, I think a part of my soul will wither. Sounds melodramatic? Well my feelings about her books are overwhelming. There's no other way I can put it that will do her justice.

Right now, I should be asleep. But all I can think about is how I feel like such a stranger. Questions and half-baked theories and rationalisations are circling in my head. I have always tried, though there are times I don't succeed, in trying to be fair in how I see others. I try not to judge. I truly do. I have revised my opinions before and found that I actually like the person I had once written off. It's happened this semester, again. But at the same time, I think I have lost and/or didn't end up forming friendships I thought would happen. I see them doing stuff together and I feel left out. Just a little. Like I was never there to begin with.

And Saturday, I don't know what happened when I said it. I was surprised I even said it. No matter how hard I tried rationalising it, the emotions got ahead of me. Way faster than the brain could catch up. And nothing I did could quell the onslaught. It was like I couldn't think and all I could feel was every injustice, real or imagined, building up and it just burst out. I cannot imagine anyone else understanding my brand of crazy and still stick it out with me. In the last year or so, I have tried pushing him to the edge just to see how he'd react, if he'd leave and he hasn't. Very terrifying.

Moral of my stories: the pre-frontal cortex has obviously not developed to its adult size in my case.

2011-03-10T00:29:00.004+08:00

It's been really hard accepting this realisation: I get deeply affected by what people say or think of me. Naturally, when it's about the stuff that's not good.

Maybe it's because I have the same misgivings or apprehensions and to hear someone else say it just makes it all the more painful to accept it. It is precisely the fact that I get affected by what others think, say or feel about me that I have always chosen to walk away or pretend everything was all right when it wasn't. Nobody likes to hear criticism about themselves, and it's even harder to swallow it when you know it could be thoroughly justified. I have ignored people, friends even, because I couldn't face up to all the shortcomings. It is so much easier to pretend you didn't hear them shouting your name or not seeing them waving at you.

There are many people that I know. A number can be those I see on a regular basis. We probably shared a couple of stories, maybe went out a couple of times and I still wouldn't consider them friends. When I call someone a friend, it means a lot. It may not be that way to them, but it does to me. It is not easy for me to open up to someone. I often re-hash conversations I have with people, and when I realise that I might have said something slightly hurtful even, I feel guilty. Sometimes, I apologise when I see them. Sometimes, I stay away from them so I don't have to face them. I cannot do confrontations, because I get too emotionally overwhelmed that I do myself and my views no justice.

I have a deep-seated fear of failing. I have never tried to work hard at anything. And as I write this, I wonder how much living I have not done.

2011-03-04T00:47:00.002+08:00

One of the most poignant songs of my MTV years.
The feeling I get every time I listen to this song.

Someday
When my life has passed me by
I'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me

One way
In the eyes of a passerby
I'll look around for another try

2011-02-25T20:07:00.004+08:00

nervousenergycomingoffinwaves. wonderingwhatitisabout.  allIwanttodoiseraseeverythingandstartover.  feelinglikeafuckingrejectfromalllevels.  needanawesomesetofheadphonestomatchthis'fuckyou,you&you'attitude.  Idon'tknowwhattothinkandfeelanymore. 
S E R I O U S L Y M E S S E D U P.

2011-02-24T16:07:00.004+08:00

I am liking this song and video wayyyyy too much. But censoring the lyrics does not make any sense at all, it just demeans a really good song.

2011-02-21T00:20:00.001+08:00

'The moment he said it, I didn't feel a thing. I had imagined how I'd react, how it'll all play in my head. In all those scenarios, none of them included me thinking about how I should react. I asked myself if I should start tearing, not because my heart had just been broken, but to elicit some guilt. More desperately, I wanted a show of a last bit of affection and love. The chafed off part of me said "Fuck that!" and wanted me to drop a brilliant line to which he'd have to live with and walk away. All I did, to my shame, was to sit there and say nothing.'

2011-02-18T01:46:00.002+08:00

'Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved'

Meta-cognition is thinking about thinking. I used to do this a lot. Being hyper aware of the cogs turning in my head and being amazed. And in all that time, I didn't know that it was called meta-cognition.

Now after that entirely useless bit of information, let's turn to what's going on these days....... NOTHING. That's right. Absolutely nothing worth your time reading about.

2011-02-10T00:18:00.000+08:00

Just filed for graduation and it feels.......unreal.

2011-02-08T00:19:00.002+08:00

2 Kanye West albums: Graduation (fitting, aye?) and My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

I just bought.

1 Kanye West album: 808s & Heartbreak.

I got off the 'net.

What this means is that I have entered a Kanye West obsession period.....

Other than that I am ignoring everyone who's not important. So piss off.

2011-01-28T14:25:00.003+08:00

Let's have a toast for the douchebags,
Let's have a toast for the assholes,
Let's have a toast for the scumbags,
Every one of them that I know
Let's have a toast for the jerkoffs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can

2011-01-25T22:10:00.003+08:00

KanyeWest.ChristMartin.CloudGate.Common.Black&whitecinematography.Pianoandfireworks.

Just some of the reasons why I love this video.

2011-01-25T00:22:00.003+08:00

I love the lyrics to Acid Tongue. My shoe broke in school today. Today was a good day. I spoke to the Momster. Really miss her. Been spending more time at tumblr looking for and reblogging 'awkward moment' posts, which are really funny. Damn the ants that are appearing intermittently on the dining room table. Been watching a lot of Jersey Shore the last couple of days.

Halcyon days, truly.

2011-01-20T02:27:00.004+08:00

To be lonely is a habit
Like smoking or taking drugs
And I've quit them both
But man, was it rough

2011-01-14T17:08:00.002+08:00

New covers/remixes and my finger is going sore hitting the replay button. When the fuck is YouTube gonna install a repeat button?

2011-01-08T01:21:00.003+08:00

Last semester, maybe. Maybe not. Got a new phone, am pretty stoked about it. Hope I didn't accidentally turn on the internet, otherwise I will be screwed when the bill comes. Lost my voice. Alternating between sounding like a foghorn or bleeping my words when no sound comes out. CORS is being a bitch to me again, because school starts on Monday and I only have 4 modules.

Met the boyfriend for the first time in the new year today. I love it when he wears blue, which he did today. I like how when we do the simple things or any of our usual things, it still makes the date fun and amazing. I don't think there's anyone out there who gets me or will echo the same sentiments about what a relationship is about like we do. There's a surreal-ness to us that I still feel, even after all this time. And I don't want it to go away, because I think it makes me treasure and appreciate what I have a whole lot more.

On the KL trip, when we were playing truth or dare (it was basically truth), I loathed having to share details about us. In the game, the questions seek to dig out the dirt on you, and it felt intrusive when they asked details about what we have/have not done. It just didn't feel right telling others, making private moments mere fodder for entertainment. Maybe I am being too sensitive, or whatever, but me and him are just that, me&him. Over the years, the new-ness of being in a relationship has worn off and I have finally stopped experimenting with the ways I deal with it. And I realise that I like my privacy about us. If I choose to reveal details, it's probably superficial ones. The only people who know anything are those who matter to me, just the way it should be. So if I don't want to answer questions to prove how daring I am or worldly etc etc, it doesn't mean anything.

So I don't do: pictures of us on fb, names or minute details of time spent together. I am more interested in the emotional side of things. So I like to talk/write about how I felt and maybe put in enough details for me to remember if I ever come across it in the future.

2011-01-06T00:39:00.003+08:00

I've watched you change
I've heard your words rearrange
Played back from the start
And if I did teach you anything at all
I hope it was to love with all your heart
And lie open wide
With imperfect symmetry
And so you'll love like you
And I will love like me

- Maria Taylor, Orchids

cheap&tastycupsoftea. laughinghard. greatcompany. beer. firstwhopperjrinayear. firsttimeinKLinmorethanayear. goodjunkfoodforthreedays. ambivalentfeelings. beenbackfortwonightsnowandIdon'tfeeltheneedtotell. hadagreatnewyear'seve. feelinglikeasuperstarinamusicvideo. havingmrtcrushes. wonderifIshouldgetmoreclothes. toldsomesecrets. likemyprivacymorethananything. hatejudgements. thismeansyouandyourcomments.

The voice is a thing of the past as of tonight. Hoarse whispering, here I shout.

2010-12-29T17:21:00.002+08:00

The constant need to justify yourself. Does it happen to everyone, or just a few not-so sane people?

The year is coming to an end. One decade of the new millennium will be over in a matter of days. To me, it's amazing how much change the world has undergone in just 10 years. So what's going to happen in the next 10? I don't think I'd want to know the answer just yet. I just want to live in the oblivion a little while longer. I'm 22 now, and looking back at the last 10 years, it really felt like I was on a roller-coaster. The changes and all that drama. It was good fun though.

All I want for the future is some aim in my life and an all-consuming passion for something. Anything.

2010-12-26T15:24:00.001+08:00

White Americans, what?
Nothing better to do?
Why don't you kick yourself out?
You're an immigrant too?

Who's usin' who?
What should we do?
Well you can't be a pimp
And a prostitute too

2010-12-21T16:52:00.006+08:00

I am an emo-tard, inner personality-wise. Enough said about that. (On a side note, I'd like to thank the people who have stuck by my shoddy writing and even those who send me messages to cheer up. Don't worry about me, seriously. Because if I ain't here writing, it actually means all's well in Sharan-land.)

I am thankful that I have survived this year with all its drama and crap. Not a bad year, in all, because I am still here aren't I? With everything in order (almost). Just one thing left to be done.

The need to finish growing up. Or the need to have someone to help me to complete it. (Because the Lord knows I have issues.)

Cheers.

2010-12-14T20:42:00.006+08:00

I fucking miss this side of LP.
I need a rock concert, like so bloody much.

2010-12-13T00:15:00.000+08:00

I think I am a difficult person to like. I don't know if it's because I say the wrong things or if I haven't got the right look or if I don't do the socialising thing well. If I was doing something wrong, I'd want to know about it. I'd want people to tell me. Somehow, I feel things aren't going so well. And every time it's over, I want to walk away as fast as possible and jam the earphones in and blast the music so that the thoughts get drowned out and I don't have to fight the urge to cry. I wish I can get some fucking clarity about it as soon as possible.

Same shit happens. Again.

2010-12-10T23:29:00.005+08:00

I am in the mood to watch cheesy holiday movies.
I am also in the mood to disappear.

2010-12-09T01:41:00.003+08:00

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you don't wanna be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

2010-11-24T20:53:00.002+08:00

screwed.
anyways, crankybanana played this song to me today.

2010-11-21T23:50:00.003+08:00

Someone posted Snow Patrol's You Could Be Happy on Facebook. And it was the exact video I used to watch a gazillion times 2 years back because of what happened then. I used to watch it over and over and over again, because whatever Gary Lightbody was singing/saying was exactly how I felt. Most of the lines were eerily (now that I think about it) fitting. Like he peered into my messy head and sang a song that made all the random and wild thoughts coherent. Then it struck me, how could I have forgotten everything? About how broken I felt and all the typically associated thoughts that go with it? And HOW I am back to doing the same thing again? I wonder all the time if what I am doing is a mistake. Whether I should have been stronger and better at controlling what I felt. I mean, it took us about 2 fucking hours after many long months of not even seeing each other and then bam! - we're back again. Who does that? I barely remember what happened even. I really don't know what's going to happen in the future. I don't want any sorts of promises at happily ever after because it's all bull until that ring is on your finger and even then, who can tell right?

These all came from just listening to one song. And, of course, it's not the whole story. Because then I think about all that's happened for the past year (almost). I realise that it's not the same as it used to be as before. It's so much better. I am not in some sort of inner turmoil because of the whole uni thing and living with my mom thing. I was me, the one before all the craziness hit. Stable and comfortable instead of a lost child head case.

It's been almost 1 year.
And I am still going to question my decision every once in a while.
It's inevitable that I will think about the before and act out.
BUT I am happy. Genuinely. So happy that I will do a Lloyd Dobler and holding a freaking radio over my head and tell the whole world.

So MR _ _ _, here's to an interesting celebration date, where there will probably some arguing, definitely drama between us and the possibility that we might end up at the (ahem).

(If I get through the exams and come out alive.)

2010-11-19T01:13:00.006+08:00

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love they leave me breathless
I can’t help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart and soul
And you played it
To the beat