Sunday, November 4, 2012
I am sitting on my Ikea chair, with my feet propped up on my bed. I should I have gone for my run an hour ago but I kinda fell asleep on the floor. And I am still feeling the lingering effects of my nap. These last couple of days have been...emotional. Saturday morning when I woke up to his message, I stayed in bed for a good 20 minutes with my phone in my hands, re-reading it and wondering if it'd be all right for me to call and ask how he was doing. I called. My heart just breaks for his loss and what I imagine he is going through. Every message I send, I wonder if I am making it worse or if I am being supportive and helpful. I am never good in these sort of situations. All because of what happened before and it makes me contemplate and agonise way too much about what I should do/say. I've come to realise that my idea of what I'd want people to do (mostly stay away and don't talk to me) is different from what is expected by others (the normal, wholesome others).
There's concern for him and a need to somehow comfort. It's strange what I have identified and named as the things that I am feeling towards him. Especially the latter. (Ithinkit'sbecausehehastakenapartofmymealready). That I want to be there and help him through it, shows that I've basically given it to him. (And I keep telling people that we're just dating). I made a slip when I referred to him yesterday when I was with Amarit. A very telling slip. It's getting a lot harder to hold back.
I have no desire to pick his brain. I do have some inkling. I just need to stop second-guessing and stop looking in the mirror to search for the flaws.
Why is it so difficult?Labels: Where's the basis?
