Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Hello.
I hope you're doing well though I have no idea what you're doing. Just felt like telling you things because I was talking to Disha about you and us to make a comparison about something. And perhaps because of it I was reminded of our first big argument two years ago. (I wrote down last year, but I realised it had been longer than that.) How frustration and anger can reveal your ugliest thoughts, which happened that day. I think I've figured out how I could have felt that way. And yes, I still remember that day because I felt so taken aback that I had these thoughts about you. I understand now that it was possible for the fact that I didn't see you the same way I once did. It wasn't just a change of perception about your character or a lack of trust in you; maybe by a tiny amount, I lost my respect for you. How you dealt with things and though you knew how bad I was feeling, you didn't say anything for far too long. Along this line of thought, I had an idea that perhaps it didn't work out again because you couldn't/didn't want deal with my insecurities anymore, it's always easier to walk away. I've done it too, to you even. (But when I did, it was because I needed to be alone to deal. It wasn't for ever.) Whatever it was this time, it wasn't fair to me. An explanation would have been nice. But there goes the wishful thinking.I know it shouldn't seem funny, but it is when I think about how I know absolutely nothing about you now. Oddities of life that I deal with. The other is that I am mentally preparing for escape routes if there was ever a chance meeting because a chance meeting is just not going to cut it. (And there is the possibility of me showing you how I am still not fine even though I am determined to keep that front.)
Maybe there's a next time to this.
Goodbye.
Labels: me to you
