MY iNK

Thursday, March 10, 2011

It's been really hard accepting this realisation: I get deeply affected by what people say or think of me. Naturally, when it's about the stuff that's not good.

Maybe it's because I have the same misgivings or apprehensions and to hear someone else say it just makes it all the more painful to accept it. It is precisely the fact that I get affected by what others think, say or feel about me that I have always chosen to walk away or pretend everything was all right when it wasn't. Nobody likes to hear criticism about themselves, and it's even harder to swallow it when you know it could be thoroughly justified. I have ignored people, friends even, because I couldn't face up to all the shortcomings. It is so much easier to pretend you didn't hear them shouting your name or not seeing them waving at you.

There are many people that I know. A number can be those I see on a regular basis. We probably shared a couple of stories, maybe went out a couple of times and I still wouldn't consider them friends. When I call someone a friend, it means a lot. It may not be that way to them, but it does to me. It is not easy for me to open up to someone. I often re-hash conversations I have with people, and when I realise that I might have said something slightly hurtful even, I feel guilty. Sometimes, I apologise when I see them. Sometimes, I stay away from them so I don't have to face them. I cannot do confrontations, because I get too emotionally overwhelmed that I do myself and my views no justice.

I have a deep-seated fear of failing. I have never tried to work hard at anything. And as I write this, I wonder how much living I have not done.

Labels: fake toughness

iNKED at 12:29 AM